"Mine"

That little four letter word! How i love hearing it. My Master calls me that in greeting, in being endearing, and in closing. As i am a possession, his possession, i love hearing it. He gave me the slave name shi, which i also love hearing. But the word "mine" gives me such a lovely deep warm feeling when i hear it. After all i am His. i identify with it. So much so that when someone uses my real name it takes me a second to go "oh yeah thats me". "Mine" such a small word, but with so much meaning behind it. I am His, forever and inexplicably His and that could not make me happier. The days are ticking away.. and before we know it, i will not only hear the word mine but feel it as well. In his arms, under his control and always his slave.  I love you my Master, always and forever.

The sun is out!

The sun is out and its a relatively wonderful sunny day, its not so cold that you need a coat, but you do need a sweater, it inspired me to go out shopping. After so many days of rain and cold, i went walked around our downtown. Hit some small businesses, and some chain stores. Didnt find what i was looking for but that doesnt matter. I was out on a mission, and the fact the mission was not fulfilled, i feel good. Its amazing what the sun can do for not only your health but your disposition.  Went to a local craft store and did some shopping there, decided i am going to sew. Havent done it in awhile and i think with what i got and the fact it was practically all on sale was a boost. So going to dig out the machine, dust it off, make sure its working correctly and get busy on this project.  Woot i have something to do. Maybe when i am done i will take a pic and post it here, if it turns out the way i envision it. Any way, i am feeling good, chipper, and have a project to do. Now where did i put that measuring tape?

Heart in the sand

i came across a picture of a heart drawn in the sand on an ocean beach, its pointed end facing the water..i know this may sound bizarre, but that is me. I live in the states and my Master lives in Europe. The heart patiently waits in the sand till the waves wash it away carrying it across the ocean... My wave will come in January when i am whisked away  to His arms. I am struggling with impatience here on this side of the ocean, every day little things are getting to me. The weather has been crappy and rainy and maybe that is why my mood is the way it is. I am frustrated with the some of the people in my life. And if i do not put this in check, i am afraid i will just explode!  i took a hot shower this morning trying  to relax some of this tension and frustration.. it helped some. It seems the more i attempt to do here the less i seem to be progressing, and that is not referring to my slavery but my everyday vanilla life. So it comes to a point for me where i either just go off on everyone and say 'f*** it' or i try to find a calming center and just bide my time. I guess i am wanting this so bad to just come around, start my life with my Master that its eating at me. I know it has to be frustrating for him as well to have to sit and wait for things to be dealt with on my end. But the one consolation for me and i am sure for him is that my flight is booked.. and come hell and high water, i will be on it...Continuing my destiny in my Masters arms!

Others musings

I have spent a good part of the morning, reading and searching for other blogs of both submissives and Dominants. Only because i woke up wondering what to write in this daily blog. I have joined several others as a follower here. It amazes me and i am not sure why, that there are others that share the same feelings, emotions, desires and wants like i have. I am slightly envious of the ones that live with their Masters, but happy for them as well, that get to live the life i so crave. I have found i am becoming impatient, wanting to experience the daily life of a slave. My time will come, my flight is booked and now i tick away the days till it actually happens. It is hard to want something so badly and not have quite in reach yet. Do not get me wrong, i have daily contact with my Master through  a couple of avenues, and for now that is sufficient. But to see others living and dealing with their daily lives with their Masters within inches of them is what i desire as well. I just have to deal with the feelings i have running through me being so far away from Him.  I have to deal with impatience i feel. I know my Master is just as anxious to have me kneeling at his feet naked, collared and leashed to do with me what we have talked about for so long. When i get to feeling this way i think back to when we were together and that brings me comfort. I remember his sweat slick body as He fucked me, i remember his warm lips as He ravished mine. I remember the kiss of his flogger as it landed on my bare skin. The feel of the rope that bound me tightly, and i smile here because the one thing i remember more vividly than all that was being chained to his bed as we slept. Whether it was the leash attached to the head post, or the chain around my ankle to the foot board, i can recall the feel and sound of them as i shifted  in my sleep. It gave me a sense of 'this is where i belong, i am home'. And the warmth of his body next to mine, curled up together contently as sleep encompassed us both. MMM such delicious thoughts that comfort this impatient slave, and knowing that soon, she will be feeling those again plus sooo much more.Time needs to hurry up and tick along. This slave wants to be with her Master more than anything!

Desires

The desires that burn bright in me:
1.   To be the best slave this one can be to her Master.
2.   To endure what ever He wishes from her whether its pain or pleasure.
3.   To break down the walls of fear and doctrine instilled in this ones mind.
4.   To wear her collar proudly, knowing its a token of commitment from her Master.
5.   To feel with pride the total woman inside her, either as a loving partner or a wanton beast.
6.   To know that all that shi is what her Master wants her to be.
7.   To have her Master gaze at her with pride when its good and be firm with her when she makes a mistake.
8.   To live the life of His slave so fully and completely.
9.   To give all that shi is to her Master with out reservation or hesitation.
10. To know that for the rest of her days shi will feel loved, protected, wanted and used as the slave that she is.
Deep down this one feels the desires burning hot in her. They will only be quenched when her Master has this one at his feet and then rekindled repeatedly. Together they will deliver (Master) and experience (shi) exquisite pleasure and pain for the desire of the other. And on the other hand be the loving couple as well. Our life will be filled with the mundane, the daily routine, and the unbelievable mix of Domination and slavery  that can only be found in this type of relationship. The balance of who and what they are is in the forefront of Master and shis' mind. The loving couple, the Master/slave, and Owner/ possession, Trainer/trainee. This one loves her Master with all her heart, and that grows deeper day by day.

Being hooded

I was given the task by my Master, that every night before  i turn in i am to visualize and embrace being hooded. He has purchased a leather hood with the capability of the eyes and mouth being bound as well. So that when i am in this hood i will see nothing, not be able to speak, and he will devise a way to muffle my hearing as well. A little background on this situation for me, when i went to spend some time with him a couple of years ago, he attempted to place the hood on me and i sort of freaked out. I am claustrophobic, having had a childhood incident that happened due to my own stupidity. So when the hood went over my head, and it was being fitted i flipped mildly. He was patient and did not push the hood on me at that time. But after an extended conversation last night, and some comments he made, when i am with him on day one i will be wearing that hood. For how long i do not know.Obviously having your senses taken away like that can be a frightening thing. But also as my Master has stated " I want you to embrace being hooded, blind and gagged in your mind and be ready to welcome it without fear, the last thing you will be thinking of each night is being hooded, gagged and blindfolded before the darkness of sleep and dreamland and develop the trust that I am close by."
"That hooding you will allow you to focus on what you are in real time, as you experience being a slave for real. We have spoken about ownership, mind, body and soul. The hood will take your mind and give it to me automatically.Isolation will play its part in the training and development. One more thing about the hood.. with distractions removed, you will savor whatever I do to your body with deeper  intensity, whether it is pain, gentleness or orgasm, so we will both receive benefits from it."
So on that note, last night i went to bed, visualizing what it would feel like to wear a hood. The sense of darkness enveloping, no sight no sound no speech. Feeling the press of leather against my skin, knowing that it would get warm over time. And depending on what was being done while hooded, could get down right damp.  I relish the idea of wearing the hood, Of having all my senses taken away, of not being able to see or hear what is being done, to not be allowed to speak unless he removes the mouth cover, it will allow my mind to sink into that slave mindset He and  i so crave. I can be wearing  the hood while caged and bound knowing that all this is at the whim of my Master. To discipline me for a wrong or  to give me the isolation to think of nothing but being his slave. He will take it slow with me and help to work through my fear and the claustrophobia i may feel. My Master stated "It is the one fear that I have encountered from you. I will remove it gently and replace it with total trust and acceptance." And i know from experience He will do it.
We have spoken of my first day with him as his slave, and as time has moved forward He has (as is his right) changed the plans for that first day. And as i have mentioned before i do not wish to know all the details. The anticipation of being in his arms is enough to keep me on the edge. To know that on that day in January i will be at his feet, for him to do with me as he wishes on that first day, is enough. My full immersed training begins on that day in real time and will continue for the rest of our days. For it is what we both want and need. And as the day approaches closer, i know in my heart that is where i am meant to be!
On a side note, i believe on one side i will accept this hood and become one with it, but since i really do not know for sure, i am sure through patience and training with my Master, acceptance will be the only way to go. Wearing this hood and becoming familiar with it is a part of my lot in life that i so willingly submit to.

Communication

Communication is key. Whether between a Master and his slave or a husband and wife. Over the last three years of knowing my Master, we have communicated our thoughts, wishes and desires. In the beginning it was not always easy. There was almost a sense of embarrassment sharing my deep desires. After all it was ingrained in  me that certain things were not discussed. But i have moved past that. My Master and i spend our time together almost nightly discussing what we want or need or desire. Just as i have opened up to him so has he done the same with me. The one thing we have discussed in depth is finding a balance in our lives. This one is his lover, woman, slave and beast. There will be moments of tenderness, all encompassing love and times of primal Master and slave times. Just as much as i look forward to being in slave mode all the time, i also look forward to the times we are just us, tender and loving.  As we know you can burn out with out that balance. After all i cant be a bound and beaten slut all the time. But i will be the all encompassing woman that my Master desires, just as he will be the all encompassing man that i desire. My mind races with all the possibilities  that will start to happen when i cross that ocean. Two months from today that will happen. Communication is key, and as his slave i am to hide nothing from him. We will share the good times, the times we hit rough spots and the times the down right frustrations of life can come in. But together we will deal with it all and continue to communicate with one another. We are not mind readers, and if that door of communication is not open then that can lead to discord and that is something i do not want and i know neither does He. No matter how small, how dark or how insignificant i think it is, he will know what i am thinking and feeling. We have grown alot over the last three years and will continue to do so as we move forward and are together for good. Life is about change, growth and love, without it we are stagnant. And  i know that when i am there, at his feet, there will not be moss growing under me, my life as his slave and woman will be one of wonderment, a fierce desire and yes even sometimes fear. But i love and trust my Master explicitly, i know how he feels about me, and what he wants. And i am sure he has a few surprises for me as well. Like i said in an earlier post, i do not always want to know what the game plan is for me. If i did what fun would that be?

Random thoughts

There is something comforting in knowing you are owned. That most of your decisions, daily activities and life are in the hands of another. There is also a comfort in knowing that you will be loved, protected, wanted, needed and desired. And in return you will love, protect, want, need and desire your Owner.Not really knowing what your daily life will be like, (oh sure you have a clue, but do you really want your life planned out, i know i do not). To think that one day may be filled with love and tenderness, the next harsh discipline and bondage, excites this one. To know there will be a mix of pain, pleasure, wantonness, nakedness, integrated in my life is something i so long for. There will be days of typical routine vanilla stuff, and days of dark desires being fulfilled. Its exciting and leaves this one breathless  thinking about it. To know that your Owner will take you places you only dreamed of and it becoming a daily reality is very exciting. Slavery is not only changes in the physical aspects of your life, but your mentality too changes. To feel the sting of a crop or the tenderness of your Owners hand caressing your skin, sends different sensations through out you and in return your mind acts accordingly. Your body may fight the bonds of rope against your skin, but your mind accepts that is where he wants you and needs you to be. I was told by my Master there will be times i will be curled up at his feet and there will be times i will be left in bondage and isolation to contemplate my fate. Neither of these frighten me, they give me a sense of comfort and fulfillment as a slave. To know i am tightly bound and senses deprived will allow me to sink into the mindset i so crave. I have a feeling that when released and allowed to interact with my Master again, i will be the soft, complacent, malleable slave we both want from me. And in the same regard that could happen when i am curled at his feet, naked, collared and leashed to him, content in the knowledge that i am his forever. This one looks forward to the day she fly's into his arms and begins her life as not only his slave, but his woman in all totality. Deriving from me anything He likes and knowing that his slave will give her all to him so completely.

Desires

this morning i woke up with this desperate desire to crawl into my Masters arms, hug him tight, kiss him deeply and show him how happy i am to be his. I do not know if it was because of a dream or what. There are times this one is feeling cuddly and loving, other times wanton and wanting to be taken relentlessly. But alas He is several hundreds of miles away so until i am at his feet, this one will have to just show him in other ways how thrilled she is to be his. The desires that i have run deep and rampant. From what we would call the mundane to the extreme in bdsm. I have shared these desires with my Master, as i feel nothing should be kept from him. How is he to train me if he does not know? From the darkest reaches in my mind, this one has told him everything that there is to know. And who knows, maybe others will spring up once we are together face to face. This one feels as a slave to be open, honest, and to share not only her body with her Master but her mind as well. I am not fearful of what He may think when i share things with him, He can decide to accept my desires or reject them, he is Master after all. But knowing this does not stop me from sharing them.  He needs to know his slave, just as his slave needs to know him. So communicating desires, wants and needs is a way to grow together as Master and slave. On another thought, this one is excited to hand over everything that she is to her Master. Her body, mind and soul is His to do with as he wishes. We have spoken on so many levels of our relationship, from the everyday lover type to the wanton beast he will have crawling at his feet. My life will not have truly begun till i am there and experiencing my slavery full time. To have that collar permanently locked about my neck, to have my body permanently marked with his mark, to be able to feel the sensations he will wrought on my body and on my mind, is what every slave craves for. My duty to him is to be the best slave to him that i can be, no matter what he demands of me. And this one will strive to that goal to the best of her ability.

processing pain

i recently purchased an ebook titled Processing Pain Through Play, written by lunaKM. I am a masochist and thought it would be a benefit to read something written by another. I am glad i got it. Processing pain is different for all of us, and one of the reasons i purchased it was to see what other techniques i can learn. My Master and  i want to build my tolerance for it as we progress forward in our relationship. Pain will be a part of my life as his slave. When i speak of pain, its not the kind to permanently damage me, it will be for the enjoyment of us both. There is a euphoria that happens when pain is mixed with pleasure, at least for me. And my Master wishes to explore that with me as time rolls on. I know that there are many of you out there that also enjoy pain in this context. My mindset is in slave mode, and gets  more into it every day. As my travel date approaches, i sink into what it is i truly am. My relationship with my Master will be balanced with love, tenderness, domination and submission. I also know that there will be times pain will be wrought through  punishment and not so much for the enjoyment for me, but as a slave that is expected. Through our many talks, we know what we desire from each other. There will be times when my body and mind will be pushed beyond what i think i can handle, but i know with his love and care for me, and his training,  it is only the natural progression of what we are.  We as Master/slave have alot to learn with one another, his training will be intense so that he can mold me into what he desires. But i go  into this with open eyes and an open heart and know that this is where i was meant to be. Its what i have wanted and needed for most of my adult life, and until Him, never thought it possible or long lasting.  But i know now that it is. He is my Master and i am his slave! And when we are together, him standing there, my kneeling naked and collared at his feet, i know i am home.